sheetsandleaves's Xanga

Monday, July 06, 2009

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 15:51:07 GMT

Does love liberate the heart or does it chain it up.

Why do I miss the days and the times when my heart was free of any emotional entanglements.

After you, I don't think I will ever allow myself to fall again.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Tue, 26 May 2009 17:50:37 GMT

Sometimes I think I might be over-demanding, whimsical, spoilt and doubtful.

Oh God. I adore him.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Wed, 13 May 2009 15:59:09 GMT

When does the line between consideration and basic needs get crossed.

Does Alexandra have to eventually leave.

Why does a day give promise, and another day dispel it.

Demanding, or otherwise; am I wrong to continue wavering, to give that slightest percentage wherein I leave, or fill in the blanks to which I am unable to articulate.

There are the times I think, maybe I need the man who can give me the affection and attention when I want it, as promised, because I don't always seek affection and attention. But when I do, I want it. Like a cat does.

There are times, too, I wonder why I cannot open my mouth about you. Am I afraid about my freedom and wanting for Flow to dictate just when, since the things that mean the most to me take the longest to get articulated, or is there something underlying everything that is wrong.

I need some answers, because Alexandra may go lost eventually.

I am holding on to you, not because I want to gain any benefits from you. Nothing with fame, money, experience or whatsoever. Not because you make me feel loved, not because you can give me fantastic sex. Not because of all the million and one reasons I can break it all down into. I am holding on, because I love you. That's all.

You are the scariest man to ever come into my life-- nothing in my life is ever un-scary, and you scare me the most. You represent uncertainty yet stability-- all sorts of paradoxes. I know the entire idea with busy-ness, I also know that my position is shaky because I am young and uninformed. I am so much younger, it scares me at times. Yet I can never tear myself away.

Sometimes I feel as though you are the one who has given me loads of heartache and confusion. From the beginning of the pursuit. It's partly to do with me, and partly to do with the situation. But I don't know, was this all meant to be part of the equation. I have told you I sometimes wished I never knew you; I wonder how you react deep inside besides saying that you wouldn't put it that way.

I take good care of myself and make myself happy enough. I like the ties and relations I have with others. So I always think, if another were in my life, there is no point that he doesn't satisfy me or makes me unhappy. You stand out from the rest of the men.

I stick on, but I wonder, is love enough, if the uncertainty I have is so strong. Perhaps these are too early to be answered. Or do I seek certainty too much. I sort these out myself, because I need a clear head rather than to sulk and demand. I still wonder, though, will Alexander leave with her lord one day, no matter how she lays on your satin and kisses you in the morning.

If Alexander left, the road to take would be clear.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 17:21:10 GMT

There are times when I do wonder, is there another woman. Or are there other women who are out on the prowl for you. Is she still contacting you. Have you cut her off your life? I don't know if I can make that demand to make you cut her off completely; or if she will one day pop up again. I hate all these, obviously. I don't even know what sort of circumstances and situations that we are in.

There are the random times when I get strange, awful and funny feelings that I don't like. Today is one of them. The horoscope says it might be strange and awry, but good. But I have no idea.

I'm not even sure if you are good for me. You are a Force of Nature to be reckoned with and my life is getting stranger and stranger. I am confused still. Out of realistic, rational considerations.

If everything fell apart between us, if that day happened, if something went awry, I know I can still pick up the pieces and survive. And thrive. I am that strong. Maybe I can be too strong for my own good.

What is happening. I'd like a little buzz here and there, seriously.

If anything goes awry, I know I can and will harden my resolve and leave for good. This is the deciding time. This window period. Anything beyond that and I will go.

and then,

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 15:11:41 GMT

there are the times i feel like i'm dying of anguish and of want.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 15:48:44 GMT

I know, you are a busy man.

I know, you know I know all about busy-ness.

I also got the realisation today, that people in your line put in many hours.

I put in many hours myself, but magically, I always find extra time lying around here and there. It's my own miracle that I have no idea how it comes about.

There are days when I wonder if you think you rest easier because you have secured me. Sometimes I kinda feel a tad neglected. Or maybe not yet. Or maybe I can foresee stuff like that happening.

It goes like this. If I say something, it might weigh on your mind, and it's going to affect everything.

I don't know. Why did I fall for a man who has to be the busiest one I've ever known

I know you make loads of time for me. Long stretches of hours. I know you are used to me going all quiet and without a trace when I am busy. And therefore you think it's all okay like that.

There are the days when there are some things I'm scared to say. Because I'm afraid how it might all be hanging by a fraying thread. With all sorts of unknown situational variables.

This is the scariest and biggest thing in my life so far.

I am unused to all these feelings. I am even a little afraid of how secure I feel.

If all else fails, I still have the rest of my life. This is what I tell myself. Oh well, however things flow.

I wonder why I told you there were times I wish I never knew you. Maybe it puts you off a little, or makes you think your worth has been brought down; but it really is difficult.

How many more hoops to jump through; there are days I ask just why did I fall for you.

I wish I could pinpoint with absolute clarity.

But I can't. Maybe I just miss you a bit too much. And maybe I'm not used to having all these feelings. Oh who knows.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 17:00:56 GMT

Although, sometimes I do wish you could be a little more update-ive.

And I never knew I'd like that. One has to laugh.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 19:29:35 GMT

Sometimes I am afraid of the depth of my feelings.

There are the times I think back on those times and feel a little hurt at circumstances.

I miss you, funny how addicted I have become.

I am obsessed with you now, you rarely leave my thoughts, you said.

Funny how I chuckled.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 17:57:37 GMT

There comes a time when you realise there is someone who means the world to you

And that you cannot run away from that fact.

Even more beautiful is that it's mutual.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 17:55:40 GMT

Everything.

Everything will be more than good.

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